Validate.

“Someday we will fall in love again in a place without sadness and this time round I will hold you tight and never let you go”

Been listening to everyone’s problem regarding their relationship… So I have been wondering to myself “is it a good thing that I’m not involve with someone romantically or a bad thing” Well, so what if it’s a good thing that I don’t have to worry about quarrels, I don’t have to feel any jealousy or insecurity? I’m still so affected over someone.

Looking Back.

You used to say I’m your caretaker when you yolo too hard but now, I’m no longer your caretaker and you didn’t even find someone who can take care of you…

Whatever happened just now bring me back to all our club nights where you fought… I vividly remember that whenever you fought I will always be there to pull you back or stop you not because I wanna get myself into trouble but I just love you enough to be selfless.

dilemma

I know that not everyone get the opportunity of having job offers hand to you even before graduate. though I’ve no commitment in Singapore but then it’s still a very hard decision:(

I’m only 20, I shouldn’t be thrown with this kind of life decision making right now… so what if I’m given a month to decide? I can’t possibly use a month to decide for my next 2 years. yes I feel honoured to have the luxury of not having to find a job after graduating bc I’m handed with 2 offers right now but then there’s really a lot of factors to consider… no doubt they offer very very good package but it’s in exchange for my freedom as well as commitment to the company 

will I stay in this industry after I graduate? am I able to commit for 2years? how dangerous will the job be? will I be ok if I’m the only female on board? is this really what I want to do throughout my whole life? should I further my studies first? will I be happy to even earn so much per month when I’m only 21 (by then) 

out of the 2 companies, one of them is my dream company bc they are the top company in oil and gas as well as they give good incentive. and if everything is successful I will be station at the US base for my 2years…. haiz is this really what I want?

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why do I feel like a hypocrite? portraying that I’m a happy girl on Instagram while I’m not at all? the only place that I’m able to voice out is here

D-34: don’t keep me here too long

“love is not about how many times they are able to sweep your feet off the ground. it’s about how much you are willing to fight even after you know they will leave”

I’m another day closer to the closure. I don’t need any answer from you I just need you to know what I’ve been going through and how I feel throughout. I’m not doing it to bring you back bc I know you are determined but I wish things will end well between us. 

I didn’t want to kill myself I want you to kill me instead with your emotions and words. I see my walls coming up ever since you left and I realized there’s no more I’m able to give others. I don’t know if I should feel sorry for myself or those that proclaim they love me. I can never give another piece of myself out anymore. you occupy every single bit of me and you can never get out of the door bc you are too fat

I’m still here fighting for a battle that never existed or it did, just in my wishful mind. I asked you to break me completely so why didn’t you? why you just break me half way which make me wonder if it’s better to piece myself up or to tear everything apart. when we were together, I can never imagine myself without you. I needed you all these while and I’d been relying on you for the past 3years mentally. you were there for me all the times. I know if I need you, you will always be available for me but it’s different this time round. you don’t even bother to take a second look at me. I felt like dirt worthless to you:(

I got a job offer even before I graduate though it may sounds like a good plan for my future but there’s more to it. if my interview success, and I sign the contract then I’m leaving here in a year time for a 2 years bond. I don’t know if I want to take up this deal since I’m given a month to consider. it’s a high risk job with a high end pay but I’ve to put my life on the line as well as to sacrifice a lot of things… so, no matter how much you hate me, I want you to be there to send me off when I’m leaving not bc of the sad goodbyes it’s bc it may be the last time I’m able to be alive to see you 

怕的不是输了这场游戏 而是输掉你

I’ve been there before. I know how does it feels like to be heartless, to have nothing able to break you apart. I know how does it feels like to be stubborn, to want everything to go on your way and never back down for anyone. I know how it feels like to do things against your conscience bcoz I love myself a lot, I love myself more than anyone in the world and my love is selfish.

No matter what, I’m always on the upper hand, the dominating party. I can easily say I don’t care and mean it or drop people off my life easily without giving a single fuck and not regretting after that. The feeling of doing all these is great, it feels like I am invincible as if nothing can break me. I build my walls fucking high and make sure my heart made of steel.

I spent most of my life fighting for people that’s close to me only simply bcoz they matters a lot. Though I always seems like I’ve tons of friends but to honest, no I don’t. How many of them actually can sit down and talk to me? How many of them I actually willing to hang out with? I can count them within 2 hands and even deducting 3-4 of my fingers. I don’t open myself up to everyone so to many, I’ve a very secretive personal life. I only showed my weakness to people that’s close bcoz I trust them enough not to turn their back and attack me.

After years of being the dominating party, I finally become the losing one. I break my own walls instead of people trying their best to break it down. I rather lost to this someone special and not lose him. And for once I’m not heartless, I’m not stubborn and I’ve my conscience. For once, I love someone more than myself, I contribute selfless love instead of selfish love, I showed my weakness willingly, even giving up every single thing. And I even change myself for him

What changes me? It’s him and love. So, goodbye to the selfish me.

Been long

It’s been very very long since I’d a proper  post. It’s been a week since school started and I guess I’m not used to it. I think I’m gna die this sem with all the calculations and drawing modules. Ah, the steps to being an engineer isn’t easy after all.

A lot of them are going for intern this semester which left me alone in school 😦 No more smoking kakis already, no more B as my study buddy bcoz he got no more exam. This sem gna be studying-alone sem:<

No longer that close with my classmates but still on talkable term. Things just got awkward, really really awkward between us. I want things to go back to normal, go back to the past. Is it still possible?

—

If every single things I did does not change anything between us, I would rather give up and stop fighting. I’m so tired of fighting for our friendship when you don’t give a shit at all. Yes I may look pathetic to you but no, you don’t know how much this friendship mean to me. If our friendship can stop overnight, I really don’t know what am I to you in the past, what you treat me as in the past

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有时候真的很想留下来 但是不知不觉突然间又想起 “如果这里没有什么人值得我留恋 那么我为什么还要留下呢” 真的很想知道如果有一天我突然间离开 有谁回想我？ 有谁会要我留下呢？ 我很想知道在别人的心目中 我到底值多少 我到底对他们来说有多么重要

对我最重要的人： 你是否会要我为了你留下？ 你是否会要我永远不要离开你？ 有时候我真的很累 我永远都猜不透你的心，猜不透你在想什么 我也很想知道你到底有多么的爱我 为什么每一起我都觉得自己好像在求你？ 我什么我总觉得我永远都不够好，永远都配不上你？

难道我的真心换来了你的不知情，你的欺骗 和你的背叛吗？