Last checked I was here back in 2018 when dayre decided to change into subscription based. It’s been long 5 years… Looking back at the past 5 years, many things changed. I had a change of job, I’m in a different life stage at the moment and of course I’ve grown but ultimately, one reason that bring me back here is the channel for my outlet.
Continue reading Hi, 29 years old me.Don’t worry. I’m doing fine.
It’s okay. You don’t have to text me. You don’t have to ask my friends how I’m doing. You don’t have to dedicate a second of your time to thinking about how much pain you brought into my life. The truth is, I’m doing fine without you. And I don’t mean “fine” as in I’m pretending to be doing great, but am secretly dying on the inside. I’m good.
The confusion hurts the worst.
So you left me because I loved you too much? You won’t speak to me because the most poisonous thing that came off my skin was care? I loved you. I loved each and every part of you. I’m sorry I loved too much. I’m sorry I cared too much. I’m just plainly sorry for all the fucked up things I did.
But you know what I am the most sorry about? You know what makes me feel the worst?
How I love you just the same. It hurts thinking about you and looking back on what we had, it’s hell. But every day is going to get a little bit easier, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. And if that’s what it takes for me to slowly get over this I swear I will. Because I shouldn’t ever have to apologize for loving so much.
I will never forget you when I feel like our story is over, when we’re running out of pages, but for now, we still have a lot of pages to fill, for now our story is being rewritten.
You and I were never meant to be easy.
When you love someone, you hope that a fraction of this love you feel toward them is returned to you. You long with every ounce of your being that this person loves you. You get angry st yourself for imagining impossible scenarios that you know will never come true. Yet if you lower your guard, you know your heart will take you to that place and time where he will look into your eyes, admit his foolishness, and ask you to let him in.
“It is never too late to walk away from a man if you are unhappy, and hurting.”
I fell in love with you like a fool. Like the effervescent, naive fool that I am. And I did not care to believe in the truth; that I wasn’t good enough to be loved just the same.
Maybe we weren’t worth the effort. Maybe I wasn’t worth the fight, but you were to me. At least my aching heart had the courage to fight. But maybe our love was destined to end. Maybe you’re meant to be this stranger with all my secrets. I remember constantly worrying that you’d end up leaving me and that everything we shared would become nothing but a distant memory. I remember the day all of that came true.
One day I’m going to rest my head on the pillow and sleep right away. But you will rest your head on the pillow and start missing me. You will start to miss my smile when you try to look for something that looks like it, you will miss my eyes when you can’t find someone else who looks at you the way I did, you will miss my touch when no one else wants to hold you when you’re tired and you will miss my words when you can’t find anyone else who understands you and knows what to say to make you feel better.
One day I’m going to sleep with my mind at ease. But your mind will be filled with thoughts and doubts about your decision. Your thoughts will torture you, you will stay up wondering where you went wrong, why you let me go, why you can’t replace me and why you always value something only after you lose it. Your mind will trick you into believing that it’s the right thing, that we weren’t meant to be and that you’re happier without me, but your heart will know these are all lies and you will start asking yourself a lot of questions; questions that will take more than one night.
I used to be the girl you’d call when you wanted to go on an adventure and I’d go anywhere with you. I used to be the girl who could finish your sentences and think of the words when you couldn’t. I used to be the girl who was constantly on your mind, dawn till dusk and then dusk till dawn. I used to be the girl who would leave you wide-awake all night talking and thinking. I used to be the girl who was your everything, before I became the girl who was your nothing.
I stopped being the first girl you wanted to talk to in the morning. I stopped being the one you couldn’t wait to see after work. I stopped being the one you’d take out to dinner. I stopped being the one you wanted to spend your time with.
It feels like I was giving you too many chance to break my heart, and yet you always held a special place in my heart. And I always thought of you at the most random time and in most random places and the thought of you always made me smile.
I tried so many times to dig through your depth but you wouldn’t even let me scratch the surface.And I guess after all these words that was left unsaid, after all these rejections, after all these failed attempts and after all the heart break, I would preferred you gave me the chance to say everything.
I am seeing myself the way I saw you, I am loving myself the way I loved you. I am accepting myself the way I accepted you.
S A C H 