Last checked I was here back in 2018 when dayre decided to change into subscription based. It’s been long 5 years… Looking back at the past 5 years, many things changed. I had a change of job, I’m in a different life stage at the moment and of course I’ve grown but ultimately, one reason that bring me back here is the channel for my outlet.
Continue reading Hi, 29 years old me.Always remember your pain, all your heartbreaks, all the struggles and all the moments that you want to give up so that you know happiness and dream don’t come easily.
The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly…
I guess quite a number of people ALWAYS have this stereotype that female in the military always have it easier but that’s bullshit because we need to do whatever a guy can do.
Someone once told me this “remember whatever you do, the good or the bad, you will always have twice the attention just because you are a female”.
Tbh, I used to hate my vocation because I’m a Marine System Operator in short saikang warrior.
Other than maintaining the engines and every other systems that keep the ship moving onboard, I still need to know how to do fire fighting, I need to clear shit if it choke the pipes or the toilet bowl.
Basically we do everything.
We don’t really have the luxury to sit in aircon room all the times, we have to have some sauna session at least few hours in the engine room everyday.
Imagine a 1.5″ or 2.5″ fire hose being pressurised and you need to carry it to fight fire or pulling the hose for bunkering or dewatering the hose??
Carrying the BA set while suiting up in some XL fireman suit running up and down?
It almost want my life every single time.
I will always hope that my male counterparts will always look at me with equality and not belittle me just because I’m small, I’m petite.
Yes I may not be as physically strong as them, but I might be good at other stuff like talking HAHAHA kidding.
Being a female in the military is not as simple as it seems… If you are good, you earned the respect twice but if you screw up, you will get reprimand twice. That’s how the world work.
I remember I received a number of sexist remarks like “aiya girls shouldn’t be in the military where you all can do deskbound job” or “girls is a waste of space here” or “you should really revocate” or even “girls shouldn’t be a MS”.
But I’ve always tell myself that I chose this career path myself and that no matter what, I need to give my best to the SAF from the moment I put my signature on the dot.
I used to have this mentality of aiya whatever I do, I still get paid on the 10th but then someone once told me, the moment I decided to put on this uniform, its my duty and responsibility to protect Singapore.
Just like this saying 没有国，就没有家.
I think I sounded too patriotic over here but I’m saying in the prospective of my job.
I’m a woman. I serve the nation. I can do everything a man can do and I can, I will protect this country.
梦想是自己的但现实把它拖走了
Don’t worry. I’m doing fine.
It’s okay. You don’t have to text me. You don’t have to ask my friends how I’m doing. You don’t have to dedicate a second of your time to thinking about how much pain you brought into my life. The truth is, I’m doing fine without you. And I don’t mean “fine” as in I’m pretending to be doing great, but am secretly dying on the inside. I’m good.
The confusion hurts the worst.
Moving on is not like a birthday, you can’t count down the hours till it arrives and you can’t mark it on a calendar and you can’t call up your friends to help you celebrate. You can’t plan for it and you can’t conclude it by blowing out a candle.
When moving on happens there will be no announcements, no notifications, no congratulations. There will be no parade; only you will know.
Moving on is like this: one day you forget the taste. The next, you forget the smell. Then the touch. Then the laugh. Then the smile. The the jokes. Then the eyes, the hair, the hands, the feet. You forget the socks. you forget the fingers, the toes, the sex. You forget the pulses, the beats, the rhythms and how you sometimes felt like they all belonged to you.
You forget the words; finally, you forget the voice that spoke them.
So you left me because I loved you too much? You won’t speak to me because the most poisonous thing that came off my skin was care? I loved you. I loved each and every part of you. I’m sorry I loved too much. I’m sorry I cared too much. I’m just plainly sorry for all the fucked up things I did.
But you know what I am the most sorry about? You know what makes me feel the worst?
How I love you just the same. It hurts thinking about you and looking back on what we had, it’s hell. But every day is going to get a little bit easier, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. And if that’s what it takes for me to slowly get over this I swear I will. Because I shouldn’t ever have to apologize for loving so much.
S A C H 